


little much for everyone

by strawberryfishz



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Excessive use of italics, Hurt/Comfort, I could have gone harder, Kinda, M/M, Panic Attacks, Rated T for language, Self-Esteem Issues, idk how to tag this, just take it I want it out of my drafts, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27161936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryfishz/pseuds/strawberryfishz
Summary: liability/ˌlīəˈbilədē/nouna person or thing whose presence or behavior is likely to cause embarrassment or put one at a disadvantage.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 105





	little much for everyone

**Author's Note:**

> yeah i was having a rough night, so i wrote this. bokuto is a huge kin character for me and i relate to him a lot. i know this is super cliche and it gets resolved really fast and it's not even that good....idk i was just in a bad headspace and needed some comfort.
> 
> take this, i guess.
> 
> title from _liability _by lorde__

Bokuto knows he’s always been  _ too much _ .

He’s got a booming voice that he can never seem to control, a big, awkward body that is always so much to lug around, and intense feelings that flip without a moment's notice. He’s annoying, constantly pestering his teammates with his uncontrollable  _ intensity _ .

He swears he doesn’t try to, he tries his best not to plummet and pout because he  _ knows _ how annoying it is and he  _ knows  _ it drags his team down, and  _ goddamnit he’s the  _ captain _ for shit’s sake he should be able to control this kind of stuff _ . 

But when he fucks up, that intense  _ bad  _ begins to grow again, and no matter how hard he tries to push it down, it always surfaces. Suddenly he forgets everything, how to spike, how to serve. All he can think about is  _ how fucked the situation is _ .

Today is just another one of those days, he supposes, because he just can’t seem to get anything right. He absolutely flunked his science quiz, making him hardly understand anything going on in Japanese, and by the time practice came around, he felt wobbly on his feet and overstimulated beyond belief. All he wanted was to go home and hide under the covers, but he had a team to take care of and practice to do.

When he messes up the third serve of the hour, he can tell the team is done with him. Akaashi’s ever so patient, offering him gentle,  _ don’t mind _ ’s when the ball hits the net, but the other members of his team can’t say the same. Komi and Sarukui are exchanging tired looks, and Konoha rolls his eyes after the ball lands on their side of the court. He’s got this fuzz in his head, and all he can think is,  _ look how tired they are of you. _

But he can’t stop himself from hanging his head and squeezing his eyes shut. Coach calls for a water break, and everyone walks over to the jug. 

Washio puts his hand on his shoulder and he tries not to flinch. “Why don’t you sit this next play out?” He offers, voice far too gentle. “Take a little break?”

“I’m fine,” Bokuto says, not at all convincingly. “I can do it.”

“Bokuto, you seem tired,” Saruki tries. “It might be better if you rest a little.”

Bokuto declines again. Maybe this time, he can get it right.  _ He has to get it right _ .

It goes on like that for a little bit, his team trying to get him to stop, but Bokuto just wants  _ one good line shot _ . 

And maybe he must be more annoying than he thought, or maybe he’s not as patient as he thought, because it’s actually Akaashi who finally snaps,

“Bokuto-san, why can’t you just _ listen? _ ” He runs a hand through his hair. “You’ve done  _ enough  _ for today.”

Everyone stops, even Akaashi, whose hand flies over his mouth. Bokuto can feel all eyes on him, waiting for what he has to say.

_ Oh, _ is all he can think.  _ Look at that. Akaashi’s tired of you, too. _

Deep breath in, and out. Okay. This is fine. He nods. “Okay.” He takes a step back. “I’ll go sit out.”

“Bokuto-san—“ Akaashi starts to say, but Bokuto just shakes his head. His chest is starting to coil, and his palms are breaking out in sweat. 

“It’s fine,” he says, but he knows it’s clear it’s not fine at all. He turns on his heel. 

He needs to get away, step out before he  _ bursts _ , and he can feel that boiling in his chest and the tears welling up in his eyes. He knows that it’s stupid, and christ, he’s eighteen years old, he’s a grown man with a drivers’ license and a bank account, so  _ why can’t he handle being yelled at by his  _ kohai _? _

As soon as the locker room clicks closed, he’s spiraling, a choked sob wrecking through his body, and he’s stumbling to sit on a bench. He hunches over, closing in on himself as the tears start to fall. His chest starts to tighten, like something is sitting on his chest, and his sobs get harder and  _ fuck, he can’t breathe.  _ He’s clawing at his chest, trying to heave the air in but it’s  _ too much  _ and it  _ hurts  _ and god,  _ he might actually die— _

“Bokuto-san!”

_ No, no, no!  _ He thinks,  _ go away! You can’t see me like this, so stupid and weak and— _

Akaashi’s warm hand touches his back. “Bokuto-san, you need to breathe.”

“M’ _ trying, _ ” he sobs, and just saying that makes it worse, makes him collapse further, trying to curl in further, and he swears he’s blue in the face trying to  _ stop it _ .

Akaashi pulls him into his chest, his smaller frame trying to encase Bokuto’s broad shoulders, his big body. Bokuto grabs onto him, searching for something to hold onto, and he knows he’s probably hurting Akaashi but without it it’s  _ too much.  _ “M’sorry.”

“Shhhh,” Akaashi shushes him. One hand is rubbing his back up and down and the other has a steady grip on the back of his neck. “You’re okay, Koutaro,” he whispers. “Breathe.”

Bokuto’s not sure how long he’s there, bawling his eyes out and sucking in air between screams before he must have tired himself out and he slumps into Akaashi. His breathing is still shaky and he’s got the hiccups, but the tears won’t fall anymore and he’s burying his face into Akaashi’s chest. 

He thinks for a moment he feels Akaashi kiss the top of his head, before he pulls Bokuto’s face up and kisses his forehead. Akaashi holds his face gently but firmly in his hands as he peers down to Bokuto’s face. Bokuto knows he must looks so ugly, face splotchy and nose runny and eyes bloodshot, so he closes his eyes as if that would prevent Akaashi from seeing. “M’sorry,” he says again, voice high in his throat, and boy, he sounds fucked.

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi says, and it’s so soft and gentle and Bokuto can’t help but open his eyes. He sees Akaashi’s face, and it’s as open and soft as is voice is, eyes wet and eyebrows knitted together. It makes Bokuto whimper. “ _ I’m sorry, _ ” Akaashi says, and it’s firm yet with that same carefulness. He’s walking on eggshells and it makes Bokuto want to cry again. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

That makes Bokuto whimper again, because  _ damnit, it’s not Akaashi’s fault he’s a baby and stupid and too much,  _ and he’s not sure how to convey all of that without outright saying it, so he just whines, “No!”

“No?” Akaashi asks, clearly confused. He runs a hand through Bokuto’s hair and it feels really good and it only makes him feel worse because Akaashi’s just too good for him. He squeezes his eyes shut.

He can feel Akaashi looking at him again, and he can tell he’s trying to decide something, before Akaashi lets out a sigh and he feels his lips against his forehead again. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it.”

But Akaashi sounds so disappointed and tired and Bokuto feels like  _ shit,  _ so he just says again, “I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Bokuto could laugh. Instead he starts to cry again. “No!” He shouts, voice breaking. “I’m, so, an-noy-ing, and st-st-st-uborn and I can’t, can’t, stop it!” It’s a sad attempt at a sentence, but clearly Akaashi gets it because he’s holding Bokuto tighter and shaking his head. 

“No, no, Kou,” he says. “You’re none of those things. You’re perfectly fine.”

“I’m not!” He gasps, and Akaashi wipes at his cheeks with his thumbs. “Everyone, knows it! You all, will get tired of me, and my mood, swings, and my loudness, and I’m just, just, just, just,  _ too much _ .” He hangs his head. “I’m  _ too much _ for me.”

“Koutaro,” Akaashi whispers, and it’s so quiet he’s not sure he’s talking to anyone, just saying his name to say it. Then he clears his throat, and he says louder, “Koutaro, look at me.”

Bokuto shakes his head. Akaashi tilts his head up.

“Please?”

Bokuto peels his eyes open, and there’s that soft soft face again. Akaashi looks so so sad and Bokuto wants to scream because  _ he _ made him look like that. 

“I love you,” he whispers, “so, so much. And I can promise you, that I will never, ever get tired of you.”

“But—“ Bokuto starts.

“No,” Akaashi says. “Even when I loose my temper, I still love you, and every guy out there cares about you, too.” Akaashi smiles that pretty smile. “I know that doesn’t fix everything, but I just want you to know that.”

Bokuto doesn’t know what to say, so he just rests his forehead against Akaashi’s chest. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you have to deal with me.”

“It’s okay. I signed up for it.”

Bokuto sighs. “Akaashi?”

“Hm?”

“I love you, too,” he says. “Thank you for dealing with me.”

Akaashi visibly brightens, and leans down to kiss his nose. “It’s my pleasure,” he says.

They stay like that, Akaashi holding Bokuto, until Bokuto finally calms, and Akaashi’s arms are numb. The rest of the team decides not to talk about it when they come back out, whether by a group decision or the look on Akaashi’s face.

Akaashi walks him home, and Bokuto’s mostly fine, he swears, until he’s alone in his bed and staring up at his ceiling. There’s this word he learned in English class, he remembers, a word that describes what he feels.

And Bokuto knows, no matter what Akaashi says, he’ll always be a liability. 

  
  



End file.
